Throughout history human beings have sought council and guidance from their friends, colleagues and leaders. This has always been a natural and normal thing to do. In the spiritual quest also, seekers and finders have sought the guidance of Teachers and Gurus to help illuminate the often difficult and thorny path of self realization and transformation. However, we live in strange times when it seems you can have a “guru” for practically anything from tennis, swimming and health, to cooking, woodwork and sewing, yet when it comes to the spiritual path, the word “guru” has become for many a 4 letter word! In a nutshell the postmodern ego hates being told what to do! This ‘mean green meme’ ego thrives on ‘independence’ and doing what it wants, whenever it wants.For over 30 years I have been seeking and walking different spiritual paths. During this time I have had three Gurus and sat with many other spiritual teachers. I think it is worth exploring what the role of a true Guru is in these troubled times when new solutions and ways of coming together are so badly needed. The True Guru comes to help humanity jump to a new level of understanding and being. He is not here to maintain the Status Quo.

A vast number of spiritually-interested people today, in our post modern society, are “anti-guru”. Many feel ripped off by Masters who have been dishonest and have transgressed normal boundaries of decency and ethics. Others are wary of someone who they feel could control their lives or even brainwash them. There are well known stories in the media to support their apprehensions. Could there, however, be a Guru that is True? A human being, who although not ‘perfect’, is pure in motivation and is genuinely moved by divinely inspired passion to uplift the consciousness of humanity? My answer to that question is an emphatic YES!

Meeting the Enlightened Master

Meeting a truly enlightened Master is a monumental event. Such a Teacher breathes the fire of awakened consciousness and sends out shock waves in all directions, shaking up the spiritual status quo with ruthless vigour. Andrew Cohen is such a man and has been since the day he started teaching some 23 years ago. Since those early days he has been driven by an Awakening that has compelled him to only be concerned with Liberation itself in a way that never panders to the ego of the individual. Andrew’s uncompromising stance left me, at times, feeling like I was frying in the flames of hell and, at other times, in awe of his fathomless love of the Absolute.

Few understand the significance of the role of a true Master. It is not one of supplying the seeker with a few morsels that he can take back to the comfort of his life; but one where the power of the narcissistic ego is out to be destroyed by the Master forever. It’s this destructive role that Andrew adopted to engender real transformation in real time in his student body that a few disgruntled ex-students have classified as scandalous. To their narcissistic egos Andrew crossed a line in what was acceptable. However, to those that fully understand the true task and enormity of the Guru’s role these questionable actions will be seen as not only acceptable but totally necessary, and acts of true compassion. Compassion that cares for Freedom and not the ego!

Enlightenment Experiences Are Not Enough

In the early days of Andrew’s teaching in Totnes many who came to see him were transported into deep states of ecstasy and oneness. He believed that if the seeker just had a powerful experience then this could totally transform their lives – as it had done in his case. However, despite many being blown away by powerful experiences of Enlightenment, over time it became apparent that it was very, very few of us were actually changing as a result. A powerful experience could show you the way but very rarely did it dissolve the embedded structures of the ego.

One bright hot sunny morning I was gripped by a fathomless and explosive Enlightenment experience; where the very innermost depths of the Universe opened up and shattered all sense of a separate self. After this, I was totally perplexed because I noticed that I was still behaving in the same old habitual and limited ways…

When I discussed this with Andrew he told me emphatically, in a way that I will never forget, that it’s not the experience that you have but how you relate to it that was important! This was to become a big theme in his teaching after a few years, where basically what was deemed to be of greatest importance was the individual’s Integrity and not any experience that they may have had.

Reorientating myself to this new approach was a huge ordeal and one that I’ve always struggled with up until this day. In fact, I was one of the ones that Andrew said was always ‘hanging on by my finger nails!’ For all of my spiritual life since I was 17, I had been striving for an inner state of ‘exalted consciousness’. What I wanted for myself was to be in a state of bliss, feeling ecstatic, content and perpetually happy! It was a deeply ingrained habit and to act against this was like walking upstream against a mighty river in full flood. What was now on my plate, along with all the other students, was to become in flesh and blood a clear reflection of that which had been revealed in the inner enlightenment experience.

Personal Enlightenment Vs Impersonal Enlightenment

Like most seekers, I entered the spiritual path wanting something for myself. I didn’t care much about others or the world. And although later as the years went by and I endeavoured to have Integrity as a human being, my approach to the spiritual path was still very personal. As the teaching evolved Andrew found that it was what was happening between his students – the profound spiritual intimacy, dissolution of boundaries and the experience of deep trust –that was more important than the individual’s experience of Liberation itself. The heightened consciousness that was manifesting between students, Andrew named ‘Impersonal Enlightenment’ and it became the new direction of the Teachings.

Dining one summer’s evening with a group of Andrew’s students in the small back room of a  restaurant in Totnes, I suddenly and spontaneously found the usual separation I felt with others miraculously melting away. The difficulties and conflicts I experienced with others faded into the backgroun, in an ocean of oneness! It was effortless, natural and seemed to be pointing to a new and profound way in which human beings could come together. Many who gathered around Andrew during these early days (and right up until today) experienced this profound and meaningful communion…

Ego had now to die, not just for the individual, but so that the collective could evolve. This is why Andrew was always so fierce with individuals if they were hanging onto their egos – because they were dragging everyone else down in the process.

The Ego is a Monster.

The ego is like a monster, Andrew told a group of us formal students one day. You have to put it in a cage, lock the door and throw away the key.

But the problem was that most of us we had been living inside the cage and servants to this monster most of our lives! It’s not until we try to escape the cage, that the monster really raises its ugly head and violently screams. Unless anyone has really tried to be totally Free, this will sound like an extreme view of the ego. However, it is because of the diabolical nature of the ego, which one can see depicted in Tibetan thanka paintings for example that a true teacher needs to adopt extreme measures to liberate the individual from its grip.

Andrew adopted forceful tactics when he needed to. At times he had to exert to measures of extreme pressure to force his students out of inertia and set their heart’s on fire. I had my own dose (and probably more than most) of lethargy and underwent intensive practice to try and break free. From performing thousands of push ups and prostrations, to flying across the Atlantic Ocean just to say sorry to him personally for one of my failings.

We live in the time of post modern materialism, relativism and narcissism in which the wants and desires of the individual are held sacred. It’s a climate that few truly recognise to be one in which we are feeding the monster, rather than starving it. With this in mind, it is little wonder that the true Guru’s ways are judged to be “too much”, heavy handed, aggressive or even crazy.

The Ego distorts Reality

A small group of us were doing intensive practice together. Andrew met with us to discuss our progress. He was always deadly serious to see that we weren’t wasting our time and wanted to move us along wherever he could. I had been experiencing a lot of fear that had left me feeling victimized, passive and quiet. Rather than offer me sympathy, Andrew smashed my ego with a hammer. ‘The reason why you’re so quiet is because you’re arrogant, aggressive and superior!’ he proclaimed disarmingly. Despite his blunt rebuttal I instinctively knew he was right. Andrew was a master of calling ‘a spade a spade’ and this is what I loved about him – he told me exactly where I was at and what I had to do…

Reading the accounts of Andrew’s detractors, many of whom I have known personally, I was shocked to read the extent of the negativity they were expressing towards Andrew. As I read on, the reason why became clear. There was no real reckoning, on their part, with their egos. I knew personally that they had, like most of us, huge egos! However, there is little or no attempt, in their accounts, to independently acknowledge the darkest parts of themselves and how this part might have biased their view and experience. Without this essential and fundamental investigation on their part, all of their perceptions and memories have been distorted, in some cases to a gross degree.

Ignoring the sacred

Tucked away in one of the smaller offices at Foxhollow I was on a phone call with a small group of formal men to our spiritual brothers in London.  We were as a group having immense difficulty moving forwards. Despite myself having made a break through with something, I didn’t mention it – it simply wasn’t in my awareness. I now had a ‘problem’ and couldn’t even remember the liberation that had occurred!

It’s not too difficult to have a glimpse of an Enlightened view but it’s extremely difficult for that to became one’s ongoing centre of gravity. Under pressure the self divides and we get lost in the ego or ‘having a problem’. At such times we lose sight of everything that is good, wholesome and liberating and get mesmerized by the small negative details of life. Moles become Mountains. One small piece of the jigsaw of Life now seems, out of context, the negative whole story. In this condition the most negative detractors have wrongly pointed their fingers back at Andrew and, despite all the years of their Guru trying tirelessly to liberate them, now proclaim that it is he that is at fault. Context really is everything, as Andrew always used to say, and how could it not be? Anything taken out of context is totally untrustworthy.

And talking of “taken out of context” where is their full-hearted acknowledgement of everything totally positive that they experienced in the community around Andrew? These times were undoubtedly among the most real, profound and moving times of their lives. Yet tragically there is next to no recognition of this in their ‘balanced’ and retrospective views. What is even more nauseating and repugnant, is that with no clear view and perspective left, they arrogantly and self righteously proclaim to be ‘helping’ or warning others of the pitfalls of the spiritual path! If anyone of them had spent a quarter of the time they had spent on ‘analysing the negative traits of Andrew’ as they had facing their own negative impulses; then I have absolutely no doubt their accounts would be totally different!

Donations Under Duress or Necessary Renunciation?

We all live in materialistic times where money and its pursuit are often held to be sacred. When you mix this with the true spiritual life, which is about true renunciation and letting go of everything, you create a potentially explosive merger!

When ‘my number was up’ I looked for ways to break through. I asked myself ‘what was I hanging onto that was preventing me from moving forwards?’  I thought that perhaps my stingy relationship to money might be the problem and offered all of my $40,000 savings to Andrew. Although I knew that EnlightenNext could have done with the funds, it was something that Andrew obviously didn’t think was going to help in my own liberation. He turned the offer down. (I personally know of two other almost identical stories.)

Attachment to money like any other attachment will prevent one becoming a living expression of Enlightenment. Most of Andrew’s most vocal and angry detractors tell tales of, for them, unresolved money issues. William Yenner´s recent “American Guru” weighs in heavily on these issues for example . In the face of the liberating fire of Enlightenment, hanging onto money will place balls and chains around your feet. Money itself is never a problem but our attachment to it is. For a few, long term and close students, being able to let go of deeply rooted attachments had potentially limitless positive results for their own Liberation. Even one of Andrew’s most vocal and articulate critics came to the point where she says ‘I felt that what I personally came to when I finally “gave everything” was something that I wanted to honour and stand behind.’ For many offering up our last reserves of attachment to a separate existence, to a true Guru, can indeed bring us to a new found freedom, as was the case with one of Marpa’s students, when he asked to go back and fetch even the last lame sheep as an offering for his initiation.

In reading the accounts I do believe that a small number of donations were made when the individual was ‘up against their ego’, as was indeed the case with my offer. However, even under pressure (and ultimately there is only ‘pressure’ because the ego resists!) we are always responsible for our choices! This was, and is still, one of Andrew’s most important teachings. Once these choices have been made it’s important to stand behind them. Standing behind, and taking responsibility for, their choices is something that none of these disgruntled students have done and hence their interminable whimpering about it now, still years after the events.

The Guru’s role is to honour the potentially liberating choices, including those involving money, the student makes. What is he to do then, if a student later, after failing on their chosen path, demands his money back?

The Enlightened Guru is not Perfect

As a great world teacher once said: “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?

In all the time that I’ve known Andrew, I’ve never heard him say that he was perfect. The evolutionary perspective, that Andrew teaches, is one that outlines a journey of perpetually becoming a higher and higher expression of the Indivisible One. He includes himself in that journey!

“One of the fundamental pillars of the teaching of Evolutionary Enlightenment is the individual’s willingness to take absolute responsibility for his or her own self. You don’t have to be perfect, because nobody’s perfect. Even God is not perfect, in an evolutionary context. When I use the word God, I always speak about he, she, or it as having two faces: the Unmanifest and the Manifest. In the unmanifest realm—beyond time and form—God is inherent perfection, ever unchanging and always free from the process of becoming. But from the perspective of manifestation, in the world of time and form, God is struggling to create a perfect universe—and what a chaotic process it is! The entire creative unfolding is very messy and full of errors. But the good news always is that if you step back far enough and look at the process as a whole, you can see that there is development, and that is what is so deeply positive about it. But the manifest God isn’t perfect. Why? Because he or she is still evolving. So obviously we couldn’t possibly be perfect. That is the nature of the developmental process. But if you want to be a liberated human being in a developmental context, what matters is that you, in all your imperfection, are willing to take absolute responsibility now for your own self.”

Andrew no doubt made some errors of judgement in dealing with some of his students. The ‘challenges’ that he orchestrated were never ‘perfect’ either. How could they be anyway? What was totally important though was our relationship to the challenges.

After repeatedly tearing down his houses, did Milarepa blame Marpa for abuse of power and demand payment for fixing the sores on his back! Did the Zen monk ask for financial compensation for the finger his Master chopped off in a flurry of action that enlightened him! When a prospective student of Babaji’s jumped off the cliff face in response to his Guru’s refusal to initiate him, did he later grumble about being carelessly treated!

Under the guise of ‘exposing the truth’, Andrew’s detractors have pointed the finger back at the Guru and picked up on minor details and fragmented incidents of their times with him to create the picture they own want to see. Rather than face their own anger and resentment they have found it far easier and satisfying to focus on the ‘defects’ of the one human being who spent countless and tireless hours, days, months and years trying to liberate them!

Gifts for the Guru

In the same way that family and friends, from a place of love and gratitude, give each other presents; students have done the same to Andrew. Clothes were one item that students often chose. Critics of Andrew falsely claim there was a general ethos in the community ‘that it was necessary to buy gifts,’ or that individuals were forever dipping into their empty pockets to try and muster up enough money to buy their Guru another gift.  In my experience this was simply not true.

Students always freely chose if and when they wanted to buy gifts, and this was not a frequent occurrence from any one individual. In my years of being a formal student I only once bought Andrew a gift and that was a small inexpensive one. This was my free choice from my heart and in my experience there was never any expectation placed on students to do so. For critics to imply that they were coerced into giving them is false and is another example of their own victimized psychology.

The Way Forward

Now more than ever Andrew’s teaching is flourishing. There is a solid core of independent students around Andrew. Many are now teachers in their own right and travel to different parts of the world spreading the “good news” of Evolutionary Enlightenment. The award winning magazine ‘EnlightenNext’ goes from strength to strength; weaving together many of the brightest minds of today’s great visionaries.  Intersubjective enlightenment is occurring in the most unexpected places. There are now many students connected to Andrews’s teachings that have varying levels of commitment. From the core right out to some students who have a more sporadic connection. Many students who once “left” are now finding more freedom and meaning in their relationship to the teachings than ever before. A great number have decided to stay positively connected but not be so deeply involved. There is now an ever changing and evolving structure around the teachings that accommodates all.

In writing this article I’m struck by the ever increasing momentum and positive force of Andrew’s teaching. He is an unstoppable force of nature itself. My own genuine hope towards those ex-student detractors is that they eventually find the interest and humility to face a much truer and bigger picture. This wouldn’t have to mean that they could no longer have criticisms of Andrew, but it would mean that they would be posed in a manner in which the “true and right relationship of all things” was honored. Until that day arrives it’s just simply scientific that their views on what happened will always be sour, misaligned and deeply distorted.

Rod S can be contacted at rs@guru-talk.com

Meeting  Andrew Cohen

Sitting cross legged, cramped in a living room of a home somewhere in Amsterdam in 1986, I was among the many people who had traveled to Holland to see this new spiritual teacher called Andrew Cohen. I had seen him teach in the UK and had been far more affected by his authenticity and the power of the reality of what he was teaching than I wanted to be. I was of the school “be a light unto oneself”. I was deeply skeptical that a young American from NYC could be enlightened, much less a genuine Guru. I went to Holland to find out what on earth I was going to do with what was stirring inside of me.

Back in that living room tea was being served and there was a profound silence as we all drank. I found myself telling Andrew about the fear I experienced when he had been speaking about dying completely into Enlightenment. His reply was to tell me that I had, for the first time, walked to the edge of the cliff and looked over—but that it was up to me to jump. I sat there staying with what he said, not backing away. I heard Andrew say “good”. He knew somehow—and at that point I made a choice at a soul level to jump. I fell, into the abyss of consciousness, overwhelmed by the understanding that we are all One and the voice of that Oneness which is LOVE. Cynical “me” was thrown headlong into the wondrous life of a spiritual seeker becoming a finder. Thus began a spiritual odyssey that matches every great story ever told, and which has still in no way ended.

Andrew Cohen: American Guru & Human Being

I was a student of Andrew Cohen for 23 years. For a good part of that time I was one of his close “committed students” whom he trusted to run centers and be an example to other students of courage, independence, and humility. I was one of Andrew’s close students because of the risks I took, the independence I showed, and my consistency in relationship to my intention to live according to my own evolving understanding of how to live my deepest spiritual experience. I worked closely with him and was privy to seeing what a real human being he was. I had the opportunity to observe Andrew Cohen over many years. Over and over I was moved by his integrity, consistency, profound interest in LIFE, and deep care for his students’ rising up to their greatest potential.

Andrew always listened to different viewpoints on all matters, and would alter his plans and points of view according to what he was hearing and learning. I saw first-hand how much he anguished over students whom he knew had been deeply affected by their own recognition of truth and had started to live according to a higher view, but then would fall prey to the power of their own egoic structures, fears, and desires. There were many times he would be unable to sleep. I and others would sit up with him as he tried to work out how to help his students deal with whatever variety of egoic resistance they were currently doing battle with. He received endless letters from us all. He read every single one (and still does!). He was always the first to respond to even the smallest glimmer of true heart from anyone.

I have never met anyone like Andrew Cohen – so real, always interested, always looking to the future and not resting on any success, no matter how significant. When I say that he anguished over us – it was our souls, our spiritual development that he deeply cared about. He cared that we fully embodied our highest attainment and then that we each took it further, with our own independent interest. I so often had the sense when I worked closely with him that he bore our karma on his shoulders until such time as we were willing to shoulder it ourselves. And for this he has been condemned, for caring too much and believing that enlightenment, evolution and genuine change is really possible for the likes of you and me.

It is a much harder thing to believe that Andrew Cohen is the “real deal” in this post modern context where it would be actually a relief to find Andrew is, like so many other Gurus, on a megalomaniacal ego trip. Because as individuals we are then conveniently let off the hook! Why? Because suddenly we don’t have the positive tension of a LIVING example. Just that fact alone creates a rub which provides the friction needed for radical change. In Andrew Cohen, it is safe to say we all met our match. How many of us get our highest aspirations taken seriously by someone who is himself an example of living a life in truth? And then, how many of us stay true to that aspiration when we find that the price to be paid is: whatever it takes. Period. This means giving up all our cherished ideas about ourselves as well as unflinchingly facing our small-minded, selfish, petty, nasty, and even cruel selves. When the unpleasant news begins to dawn on us that we are not the heroic warriors of our own spiritual Hollywood that we all wanted to imagine ourselves to be, and when we are having our butts kicked by the Guru who we said we wanted to take us on – who are we going to blame? An interesting question, and one that reveals a great deal about not only the fundamentally gross state of the human condition, but also the profound delicacy of the spiritual quest.

True Battles with Ego

To admit one has an ego is one thing. To be serious about facing the structures of ego within oneself as they manifest in a personal, gender, cultural, and even collective sense is an endeavor that ups the ante to another level altogether. To embark on this daunting task with a spiritual guide,  a Guru that you have committed yourself to,  is way beyond any known stratosphere. Here we enter a realm where all bets are off. You are left alone with your own spiritual conviction, depth of experience, your own dense egoic structures, and a guide to whom you have said “YES, this is what I have wanted all my life”.

When we find out who we really are, or maybe, more accurately, that we are not who we thought we were, the challenge is then to face the truth of the human condition in and as ourselves, and to evolve one step or huge leaps at a time. It is an enormous undertaking—far bigger than anyone can imagine. Those of us who committed ourselves to being students of Andrew Cohen did so because we knew that this was bigger than simply a personal enlightenment experience. We knew that we had stumbled upon a spiritual revolution for the 21st century where we no longer needed to look back at the teachers from the traditions, useful as they have been. We had found a Guru who spoke our language and understood the struggles of the modern day seeker.  Andrew was able to communicate the timeless wisdom of the ancient spiritual traditions with sparkling clarity, directness, and realness.

Some of us, when we found ourselves not up for this greatest of all evolutionary challenges, after having consciously chosen to make ourselves grist for the mill of evolution, left the community. Inevitably we would then have to come to terms with what was revealed to us about ourselves, the fact that we are now saying that we don’t want to go all the way with our chosen Teacher, despite our earlier declarations, and to deal with the fact that Andrew took us more seriously than maybe anyone ever had in this life. Those who left then have to find a way to come to terms with everything that happened, which means trying to understand whether everything that Andrew did to get us to face ourselves, to break individual or collective ego, was in fact justified.

I, for one, have no doubt that everything Andrew did served to allow me to reach for the highest part of myself. Andrew called me not only to evolve in a radical way into a truly mature human being, but to profoundly expand my world view and the significance and purpose of my life. This view is something way beyond anything remotely personal, and continues to evolve.

It is because of my own grappling with my decision to leave that I find it heartbreaking when I hear other ex- students of Andrew condemning him and reporting alleged acts of “abuse” as having “damaged” them. Many of the things I hear that they claim happened actually did, and some are outright lies. But more than all the so-called details, it is utterly wrong to be writing about these things with no context of the enormity of Andrew’s vision for the entire human race, and with the sole intent to smear Andrew and portray oneself as a helpless victim. I feel a deep sense of outrage that people I not only knew so well, but with whom I shared intimately in some of the most sacred and delicate times of our own lives, have become such distortions of themselves, expressing such a transparently one-dimensional view. To see their descent from a subtlety of understanding and expression of the highest dharma which they have experienced deeply to tabloid press-like smear tactics is painful. However, it’s not too hard to understand, as this is the easy way out. It is a simple, clear example of how gross ego is, and how its function is to destroy anything that reveals a higher standard or view where ego has no place and can no longer exist. It is as if they have forgotten their own intention to reach for something higher, and are denying their own deepest understanding in order to justify their own failure. So they all sound the same—angry, hurt, dark, and cynical. And worst of all, they are even convincing, because their complaints appeal to the “sensitive” post-modern self and the simplistic and cynical view that all gurus are corrupt, and that radical evolution is not really even possible.

Believe me, those who continue to have an “axe to grind” with Andrew like William Yenner the author of  “American Guru” are no angels and no victims, as I am certainly not. All of them have revealed gross egoic tendencies of selfishness, cowardice, manipulation, anger – just as I did. And yet there is no mention in their tales of woe of the gross ways they behaved in a sacred context when their egos were squeezed, or of how they mistreated their close brothers or sisters.

What affects me most is that each one of these people has expressed a level of humanity and view that I find painfully absent in their statements. What brief mention is made in any of their accounts of the ‘good times” and intimacy we shared has been reduced to something small and deeply personal. There is not even a trace of the big heartedness and independent intelligence that they each have expressed, in some cases far more eloquently than I will ever be able to. This is, to me, more testimony that ego is the most destructive, evil force known to man, capable of annihilating the critical steps our human race urgently needs to take to expand beyond a personal world view.

Women’s Liberation with a 21^st Century Male Guru

One of the most profound aspects of Andrews teaching is his teaching on women’s liberation. I think it might also be one of the areas for which he has been most criticized, and it is definitely an approach to women that has sparked much controversy. He has been accused by many of being chauvinist and misogynistic—at the very least!  But my experience is entirely the opposite, despite the fact that facing the female ego has been, and continues to be, the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Anything Andrew has found out about egoic structures has been through his ongoing observations of his students. Early on he saw that we women did not fundamentally trust each other. We found it difficult to come together in a shared higher view, and tended to see things through a strongly personal perspective. When he brought his observations up with us women, although intellectually we knew that what he was saying was true, on an emotional level there was a unanimous wall of refusal to believe it. For the first time I saw the force of ego in a collective form.

It is not easy to be a student of Andrew Cohen. As a woman you are certainly not going to be admired for your beauty and your charm. You will not be invited to any “goddess worship” parties!  Andrew refused to allow us to default to the fundamental victim status that comes from the biological reality of being the physically weaker sex. For ages we had learned to justify using sexual power and manipulation to get what we wanted. We hid behind men, and learned to be covertly (and not so covertly!) fiercely competitive and mistrustful of other women. We came face-to-face with the ease with which we would lie to protect ourselves. We saw that we had, in fact, spent our entire lives up to this point lying whenever it was convenient. All of us expressed a fundamental lack of interest in embodying an awakened perspective when it came down to embracing the totality of our conditioning as women.

Andrew was calling us to be co-creators with men in the evolution of a new kind of human being. We “saints” and “very nice women” were confronted with the seamy underbelly of our actual condition. What was being revealed about us as women in this context of evolution flew directly in the face of the established female roles of the Goddess, Mother, and Matriarch. We were challenged to look way beyond all of our inherited cultural beliefs such as “men are selfish brutes, and women are sweet, nurturing, and delicate”. So not only were we up against our own view of ourselves, but we were challenging the deeply entrenched status quo that has kept the world turning for centuries. It is no small wonder that we had a battle of epic proportions on our hands!

There are very few teachers or scholars who have had the courage or willingness to expose the underbelly of women’s conditioning in an effort to free us from all of these constraining structures so that a desperately needed new paradigm can reveal itself. The leap Andrew was calling us to was not so we could place ourselves on yet another pedestal, nor was it about our own personal individual enlightenment. It was a leap which involved facing and transcending the biological and cultural roles that have defined the feminine, so that we could actually dare to start to redefine the feminine and begin the heroic task of moving culture forward, creating a new consciousness that the likes of Carl Jung and Gerder Lerner had only dreamed of, or briefly seen. Perhaps we had not originally signed up for this awesome task, but the discovery that one’s personal yearning for Enlightenment has led one to be the guinea pig in the huge churning edge of Creation is something I shall be ever grateful to Andrew for.

A New Women’s Liberation: My Own Story

My own battle with the female ego began a couple of years into a standoff, and ongoing crisis, between all the women and Andrew. Early on his vision was of a truly independent woman, able to stand alone and express a liberated self-confidence which needed no affirmation from men. This was a woman who could come together with other women in deep trust and with a steady focus on a higher goal. For a long time Andrew’s vision was just that—a vision. Early on he described our collective response to the actualization of that vision as a “visceral NO”. We fought him tooth and nail, despite all our stated intentions to the opposite.During this time it appeared that I was steady, maintaining a view and living a standard of being a woman who cared deeply about enlightenment and supporting my sisters in rising up to a higher center of gravity. There was a period of months when every woman who had shown leadership had “fallen” in the face of their own egoic tendencies. I was left alone carrying the burden of an objective, higher perspective. I was an example to all the women that it was possible to face one’s ego and not collapse, because I knew that a higher perspective was at stake. But slowly cracks started to appear. I became attached to wanting to be “the One”, to being seen as special. I became addicted to a lust for power. I would have outbursts, expressing a dark intensity that could really hurt, scare and even damage people who were struggling already with their own evolution.

One day Andrew met with me and confronted me about this intensity that so issuing from impure motive in myself. He told me that it was unacceptable to treat anyone like that, especially because of the position I held. I knew the game was up and that my time had come to let go of something which was an expression of the darkness of the entire human race as myself. The rage and actual physical NO that arose in me was a thousand times more destructive and violent than anything I expected. This was even despite the fact that I seen many other women fall in the face of the same force.  And also despite the fact that Andrew had warned, explained, and helped us over and over to understand what we were up against when we chose to live in a context where human evolution and the transcendence of ego is the shared intention. The brighter the light that one stands for, the greater are the forces of darkness invoked both within and without. In the context I was living in I became like a devil because what I did was so destructive and I was rightly depicted as such.

All the women who had looked up to me as an example watched me fall prey to the same conditioning that they themselves were struggling with. Because I had held myself as an example, and had been demanding that they meet me in that as well, the effect was devastating. The women were now without a rudder. Andrew Cohen is an example of someone who unwaveringly holds a higher view, but he is not a woman. So for each one of us women who had been stable expressions of liberated womanhood, we were responsible for all of the women who were looking to us. Now, as a result of my demise, there was no woman to be found who was willing to face herself and hold a higher view that was more sacred than one’s self-image. This was a huge crisis, not just for us women, but for Andrew. He saw far more clearly than we did at the time that women’s evolution as a whole, and true “women’s liberation” was deeply in jeopardy.

The stakes were now unimaginably high. Andrew Cohen, being the relentlessly creative teacher that he is, had to come up with something to try to break the stalemate and get evolution moving. Thus the women’s locker room at Foxhollow, the principal center of EnlightenNext, was a room that became a crucible for one of the most profound teachings on the condition and Liberation of women that I know of. Many letters that we wrote both individually or collectively about our struggle went up on the walls. This room became a mirror of who we really were. Every day there was some new revelation. Cartoons went up depicting our various behaviours – all the ways that we acted out habitually and mechanically from our conditioning, as well as letters that showed our anger (we quickly found out that the adage – “there is no fury like the wrath of a woman scorned” was real!). Our profound disinterest in higher matters, when push came to shove, was a shocking revelation. It was excruciating to have this blatant and constant reflection in our every day lives, this revelation in minute detail of how small-minded and petty we could be with each other. Some of the most intense letters and cartoons showed how readily and casually we would condemn another sister. Who us? We were spiritually evolved, not the trailer trash of talk shows. How wrong we were! Cartoons of me and the way I was behaving appeared on the walls. My letters in response to the cartoons went up on the walls for all to see. The revelations of my disingenuousness and my fake attempts at redeeming myself were clearly reflected in those letters, exactly like the mirror that Andrew intended. Letters that I and others wrote that expressed a breakthrough into higher view also went up. There were also letters from women who had felt (and rightly so) betrayed by me up on those walls. The women’s locker room was like a hall of mirrors, some kind of ongoing and “in your face” reflection that was difficult to avoid, despite how strongly all of us wanted to avoid it all.

One would think to read and directly experience the humiliation of such an austere reflection would break one’s heart and engender enough humility to face oneself and start to change. But, as we were all finding out, the human attachment to ego is a far deeper thing when placed in a context of really transcending it for real as opposed to “accepting it”, “unconditionally loving oneself”, or whatever other jargon is so freely used these days to justify continued compromise in spiritual circles. Andrew Cohen is the only person I have known who never compromised with himself or with us. The more I peer into this the more it seems to me that he is being condemned by some simply for having taken us, and our claims that we were deadly serious, for real.

So what happened to the locker room? Why were the cartoons and letters taken down? Because victory started to be won by the women. Not a personal victory but a victory where women worked together to hold a higher view and to rise above selling each other out. We began to stop being so destructive and personal. And as soon as this side of the women revealed itself, Andrew had all the letters and cartoons taken down.

This higher view, perspective, experience came in waves, fading and re-establishing itself, each wave stronger and more evolved than the one before. Other crises and victories have happened over the years since. But in the last few years there has been a consistent expression of an evolutionary view being expressed, lived, and cared for by women. What is manifesting is a maturity in women that is not often seen. It has been unimaginably hard fought for and won. For those of us that endured the ordeal of the locker room of letters and cartoons—a crucible of excruciating purification for those that came through the other side—we were the front line of women, the “infantry” so to speak. We were the first wave to come face-to-face with the structures of the female ego on a collective scale. We were the ones who struggled through our dense resistance to make the first steps, thanks to Andrew’s fierce insistence, which continue to allow the emergence of a radically new kind of human female.

Now Andrew Cohen’s early vision of a truly independent woman who could stand alone and work together with other women in a context of transpersonal unity and creative purpose is becoming an actuality. Some of the women who have left Andrew have become fierce critics, particularly of his use of the locker room of cartoons and letters, and now label his refusal to compromise as “abusive”. They could not be more wrong. I will be the first to say it was excruciating going to that room every day and seeing what letters were up that revealed more horrors of the woman’s condition, or a cartoon of oneself depicting the truth of how conditioned and egoic one really was. There is no one who can say I was lightly treated in that room – by far the opposite! And it could not be further from the truth that I have been damaged by being shown the truth of who I am.  Having my condition revealed so graphically means that I never ever forget what I am capable of. When I see the force of ego raise its ugly head, I recognize it as a structure of resistance to something higher. I smell it and know it for the destructive force it is. This means even to this day I have the gift of making a different choice—a choice for something unknown, fresh, and Free. If Andrew had put his arm around me, told me everything was okay, that I was the good person I believed myself to be, if he had stopped short of pushing me to the very edge, the world, and I, would be far worse off. I would be living in a world of illusion instead of REALITY. And thus the possibility of being involved in the gritty wheels of genuine transformation would be lost, sold out to a life of comfort and denial.

Reality Check

So because of all this I feel so deeply that it is an abuse and violation of all that is Good and True that the detractors of Andrew, some of whom were as close to him as I have been, now portray themselves as “injured victims”. The deepest truth is that their own heroic struggle collapsed in the face of having met their Match – which in the end is always our own True Self.

Debbie Wilson can be contacted at debbie@guru-talk.com

I was a deeply involved student of Andrew Cohen’s for ten years, living in his communities in the USA and England, traveling to many retreats in India and living the fully engaged life of a student committed to understanding and living Andrew Cohen’s teaching.

In 2002 I left the community and moved into a very different life, where the passionate pursuit of ever-deeper spiritual immersion and action is no longer the all-consuming focus and I do not follow any formal or regular spiritual practice.

It has been fascinating to see the great diversity in students’ post-community evaluations of their experience, community and Teacher. The sum of individual commentary on the web indicates an interesting bottom line – either Andrew/the Community is fundamentally good, although there is perhaps room for improvement or Andrew/the Community is fundamentally bad, although there might be some positive aspects.

For the record, I strongly subscribe to the former. Until recently there were only two perspectives available on the web either from Andrew Cohen himself and active members of his community and organization EnlightenNext or from ex-students who were fundamentally mistrustful of Andrew Cohen and the community. There was no place for ex-students like myself who are living a very different life but remain deeply appreciative of, and profoundly grateful for, their time with Andrew Cohen.

As voices from active members of Andrew’s community have been discounted as being “brainwashed” or extensions of Andrew himself, I really wanted to add my two cents worth in opposition to the view that Andrew is fundamentally flawed and all seekers should avoid him, his teachings and his community EnlightenNext. It may be that Andrew Cohen is not the right Teacher or Guru for many people but if you hear the call, I think you should seriously consider answering, going in with your eyes and heart open and finding out for yourself. Like many others, I answered the call of his Teaching and do not regret a single day I spent under Andrew’s guidance.

Life in the community was a very unusual situation – an experimental pressure cooker carefully designed to create the greatest depth of understanding and change in the shortest possible time. I would not argue that every situation for every individual, or even group of individuals, was perfectly managed. Some approaches worked better than others and the situation was constantly changing and evolving in the light of experience. Living the experiment could, at times, be painful and difficult to bear, but it generated great depth of insight, understanding and genuine change. It seemed to me that although some approaches Andrew tried worked better than others, the overall trajectory was very positive. In terms of the various dramatic incidents cataloged on the web, every situation I was directly aware of – my own or others I was closely involved with – made complete sense, but only in the context of this spiritual experiment.

However, the main point is not how easy/difficult/successful/unsuccessful any particular situation was, but that we students were an intentional community of deeply committed, like-minded, strong individuals, who deliberately and voluntarily subjected ourselves to the absolute rule of our Guru and any arrangement he orchestrated through and with us for as long as we wanted to, in order to go as far as we wanted to, and maybe considerably further than that!

It turns out that for genuine, cellular change to occur, the individual must, at times, allow themselves to be profoundly challenged and then not move, but allow that challenge to reach a crisis. Then, if all goes according to plan, an unexpected and liberating fruition can result. This is a mechanical and deeply impersonal process – when the mind is confronted with its own inconsistencies, ignorance and selfishness, it doesn’t just give up and let God in – it fights like hell to resist and stay the same! Bearing that resistance, and the humbling of the self that goes along with recognition of the truth, is the emotional burden of this process. It is an emotional, psychological and spiritual truth attested to in many spiritual traditions, including the monastic traditions of Christianity and Buddhism.

All of us dedicated students understood this process intimately, because it repeated itself in regular cycles, as long periods of joy, even ecstasy, gave way to difficult times of intense turmoil and insecurity. We all came to recognize the pattern, not as an enemy (unpleasant though it may be) but as the necessary rhythm of authentic change. This was the currency of life in the community and surely anyone willing to stay in such an intense situation for so long had very strong reasons of their own for doing so. And if ever the time comes when those reasons no longer have the strength to keep someone immersed in this vortex, then nothing can or will stop them leaving.

So here’s the thing – what makes one student leave with a heart full of gratitude and another with a heart full of doubt? Both have left, both have come to a point where it is “too much” for whatever reason, both have repeatedly experienced the same transforming fire. I cannot reconcile these facts by blaming the Guru for being fundamentally flawed. If that were truly the case why aren’t there many more ex-students blaming Andrew and why are there so many who remain deeply grateful and fundamentally positive about the whole experience? It also seems unconvincing to say that community members were somehow persuaded to stay in such an environment for ten or more years under false pretences or some sort of brainwashing, something we even laughed about at the time! This was a group of unusually strong, intelligent and determined people and ten years is surely too long to claim ignorance.

It has often been stated – both in the community and in many spiritual traditions – that the spiritual quest is not safe. Casualties of the process regularly occur in many spiritual endeavors and it is understandable if some individuals leave a spiritual community feeling burnt and mistreated. What is problematic to me is the absolute position expressed by some of my friends and fellow students that Andrew Cohen is absolutely not to be trusted as a spiritual teacher. It seems to me that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all and that those who left in disillusionment should not forget why they stayed so long and devoted so much passionate involvement to a process they now regret.

Rick Asherson can be contacted at rasherson@compuserve.com

I have never before had the desire to write about my long connection to Andrew Cohen and usually keep it to myself. This is not because there is anything secret about it – in fact it is a part of me, and those who know me well know how much it is integral to my being. But usually I see no reason to express my views to others unless they want to know. However, given the amount of recent negative press I feel compelled to speak out.

People sometimes pull me to a corner and ask me about the particulars of certain allegations made by former students about Andrew Cohen, asking was it true? Did I experience any of this? My answer is that the question is irrelevant, because the issues are entirely taken out of context.

The stories of wrongdoing, brainwashing and a litany of other things are simultaneously ridiculous and a blight. They are ridiculous because they defy any logic, a blight because they cloud a truth that shines through only to those who are ready to see it. And every human being on earth deserves to have access to that truth. Not everyone will see it, but none of us ever has the right to obscure to others the light of day – whether or not we choose to abide in the dark.

These negative writings come from a place that is deeply flawed in every dimension – logically, spiritually and humanly. They come from people who have been my close friends, and who like me have had the extraordinary privilege of encountering the full-blown forces of Spirit in its rawest manifestation. It is only with a true Master or Guru that one can fully take in these forces, and it is only the very committed who would ever choose to do so.

Many people who have been with Andrew Cohen did not venture there, because they didn’t have the inclination. But those of us who did did so because we deeply trusted, loved and yearned for radical liberation from the miserable existence of spiritual bondage. We did so because we had woken up, for whatever reason, to the glory of the spiritual life. The promise of a life given out of our hands to a higher purpose that we knew we couldn’t and would never be able to capture with our minds.

And that is the whole point. The only reason we got involved is that we knew we didn’t know – and we loved it. We knew that we were playing with fire. We knew that we were in for something that could never be understood or measured in mundane terms. You see, when committing to a Guru, a relationship begins that is beyond the boundaries of every-day reality. Not everyone took this step, many stayed rather more removed and fared a different course. But those of us who went into the deep did so out of our own love and desire, and no one forced us to do so.

There is also a more human dimension to this. We were brothers and sisters. Andrew Cohen was and/or is our Teacher. We were all beholden to each other in our endeavour. We lived, ate, shopped and worked together, had the flu and decorated our houses together. We looked after each others children and hung each others laundry. And most importantly we did our practice together, hundreds if not thousands of hours spent in silence as well as conversation, in the most intimate, boundary-less commitment anyone can ever engage in.

I’m not saying we knew where we were going, because the potential was unfolding itself as we grew, but we knew we had set off on an epic course. We entered states of consciousness and development that had never been consciously placed in a post-modern, Western context before. It was a huge experiment that had no precedent. We were not trying to re-create a prior religion or invoke an existing form of spirituality, we were literally forging a new, 21st Century manifestation of Spirit in Matter. And we were excited to be the explorers on this mission.

So it is no surprise that half the time we didn’t know what we were doing. Most of us had never been in positions of leadership, and I can say safely that all of us were post-modern narcissists, which is normal for our generation. I can confirm that some of the most vengeful articles have been written by those who gave a great deal and were true leaders. I was one myself, and we all blundered through it, because we were arrogant and inexperienced. Few had the humility to learn and find out how to deal with these uncharted levels of consciousness, and those who did can be seen shining now, travelling the world to speak publicly, writing a highly acclaimed magazine EnlightenNext (formerly What Is Enlightenment?) and being inspiring examples to other spiritual authorities.

Most of us did not have the courage and humility. We shone, and then stumbled, at times we did horrible things to each other, sometimes in a hapless effort to do the right thing, sometimes out of blind egotism, but the main thing is that we were too proud and immature to learn from it. I am fully complicit – many reading this article probably still feel the effects of my prideful wrongdoings which will be with me for life. And Andrew didn’t always know what the right thing was – he is a human being provoking the emergence of consciousness as he goes, ever trying to anticipate how we would respond, and staking his life on making this happen.

But why should anyone have known beforehand how to deal with an epic experiment in human evolutionary development? Why should our skills have been ready-made from the start? Who is to say that we precious beings were entitled to open Pandora’s Box and find a manual typed up in English? And should that have been the case, then why didn’t you or I lead the way to keep us all out of trouble?

Evolution is a messy business, and experiments with the force of God can create messy situations. But that doesn’t relieve me from the fact that as simply as I know that my mother loves me, I know that no one ever had evil motivations. Andrew always did the best he could, often saw far beyond what I could see, usually fought much harder for my freedom than I, in my arrogant pride, cared to do myself. And yes, that sometimes came with doses of tough love – as I said, he is a Master. His job was not to placate my ego, but to confront me with it. Yet fundamentally we were all there for a sacred purpose – Andrew as well as all of us arrogant, imperfect people who had come to him to learn.

So we can’t now turn around and blame each other for our weaknesses, much less blame our Guru for our own inadequacy.

To face the imperfections of what happened is one thing. Facing them straight-on comes with facing oneself with courage. But turning around and blaming your Guru is of a different order. Writing distorted accusations is unacceptable. One may think it’s not that bad, actually quite justified really, given how much we gave, it all seems quite reasonable… But this is where I beg to draw a line. It was me who decided to get involved with a Guru and confront the forces of the Universe, not anyone else. And a Student-Guru relationship is not reasonable – which is the very reason we got ourselves involved!

I know what the struggle is like. I came to that point where I found myself faced with the Devil in a dark ally, all alone with no one else around. I was tempted, weak and humiliated. So what was I to do? There were only two options: blame the very person, who has shown me the glory of Life, or swallow my pride, bend my knee to God and say a 4-letter word to the Devil.

There was no doubt in my mind that I was to do the second, and in spite of my humiliation over finding out that I wasn’t the spiritual heroine I thought I was, I found myself blessed with the fruits of all those years of spiritual, psychological, mental, physical and intellectual training. Not to mention the love expressed by my Guru who always tried everything he could to get me to develop and overcome my barriers. He wished me well and gave me his full support when I said I wanted to find my own steps forward. And knowing how much he wanted me to succeed, how could I ever get anywhere near the temptations of resentment?

The part I understand the least regarding those who chose otherwise is how much they are in denial of their own strength. The whimpers and the vitriol of complaint are the denial of those years of spiritual training, which are there in all of us. They have given each one of us the capacity to see clearly, put heart and mind in their right relationship, pierce through the ego, and seek the silent presence of a higher purpose. I know for myself that if I could do this, and if I still sometimes dream of you all as if no years went by, then there couldn’t possibly be a reason why anyone else could not.

My message is: Wake up, get over it, take a hard look at yourself. What kind of a life do you live if you deny the most luckiest thing that ever happened to you? Why justify that however much we gave, we didn’t give what was needed? How much arrogance do you want to tolerate in yourself? And what could you possibly stand to lose?

For me, there was the morning that I woke up knowing that I had half a life in front of me, years of deep experience behind me, the guidance of a sage, the love of a group of lifelong friends, a good dose of stubborn resilience and independence, a disposition for making radical choices, and a heart that is capable of catching fire and falling apart.

I knew there was nothing to wait for and there never will be – each one of us is blessed.

Willa Geertsema can be contacted at willa.geertsema@gmail.com

ENTERING POST-GRADUATE SCHOOL WITH A TRUE GURU

I was a student of Andrew Cohen from the fall of 1989 to late in 2001. With the exception of a few months when I left the community, I managed to stay in the always-simmering cauldron of Formal Students over the twelve years that I lived, breathed, worked, ate, lived, thrived, and at times anguished in the ongoing and sometimes unbearable intimacy of this tumultuous and seething evolutionary community I had managed to land in.

Funny to think of it as an “accident”, as I was in truth an “old seeker” who had read all the literature, lived closely with fellow seekers and done a lot of “sadhana” with a couple of well-known Teachers for ten years before meeting Andrew Cohen. I had in fact asked and maybe even begged at some level, to find a true Master. It was time to “get on with it”, whatever “it” was.

My own initial meeting with Andrew Cohen was preceded by finding a copy of his first book, “My Master Is Myself”. I could not believe the force emanating from this book. I even put it under my pillow during the first couple of days it took to read it. There was a soul-level recognition of something I’d longed for with my whole being for a very long time, and was beginning to despair that I would ever find.

My first meeting with Andrew, which occurred soon after finding this book, sent me hurtling out into the cosmos into a radically new and unknown dimension. The deep abiding peace and immense gratitude which was overtaking me was something I had never experienced. I found myself weeping in amazement and gratitude at odd times over the ensuing months. At that time I was spending a lot of time driving around northern California for business. I kept a photo of Andrew in the car, as I could not even believe this new reality I’d been exploded into. Suddenly everything was so different that I had to keep checking to make sure I hadn’t just imagined what had occurred in this meeting with Andrew Cohen. All my old notions about who I was and what everything was were blasted into infinity. I, like many of us, even thought that finally it was “all over”. Little did we know that being suddenly spun out into this unknown and beautiful new place with “no warning” was just the prelude. Now it was finally time to begin the Real Work—the work of acknowledging and releasing all of those old and now obsolete (but extremely stubborn) structures which were in the way of us becoming established in this new reality.

The unsuspecting and naïve “serious seeker” can never begin to imagine the fiery, all-consuming, and wildly unpredictable force field they are entering when they find their purported heart’s desire. To encounter the “Guru Principle” in one’s own life is a rare thing indeed, as well as an extraordinary and precious gift, regardless of how our own egos interpret it later on down the line after having had a deep taste of what real transformation entails. The interesting thing is that I asked for it—I even cried out and begged for it–as did many of my close friends who shared our years together with Andrew. Many of us have lost touch with this fact—or with the great thrill we felt in finally finding a Guru with sacred fire burning in his veins and who epitomized nothing but Radical Revolution of Everything. I remember this handsome, “hip” Teacher from New York, who transmitted the wisdom of the ancient masters in American vernacular, saying numerous times in different teachings—“My only purpose is to destroy you”. Okay, okay. Of course this was the story we’d all read about, and knew in our guts was, after all, the real and only point of this Sacred Work. And yet none of us had even an inkling of what kind of vortex we had entered—that this kind of “spiritual life” was the Real Deal—something way beyond anything, even all the hair-raising tales we’d read in the spiritual literature. Because we had all been longing for this change with every fiber of our being, we all ended up climbing The Steep Path across The Chasm of Fire. Andrew’s Sangha was a sort of “post-graduate evolutionary school”, and far more demanding than any of the more traditional “spiritual schools” we had previously known, and so the adventure continued…

NOT JUST LOVE, BUT LOVE AND TRUTH!

We all found so much more than we’d asked for or even expected. And certainly a lot more than any of us were ostensibly ready for, despite our “spiritual experiences”, great longing, and deep love of the Dharma. For a long time we all managed to remain deaf to the news that this meeting with one of those rare humans who was a living embodiment of the Guru Principle—was always only about effectively and relentlessly dismantling EVERYTHING we’d ever thought or known or were clinging to. This process would challenge and push us on physical., intellectual, emotional, and spiritual levels far beyond any place we’d ever even imagined, and for sure farther than we thought we’d honestly wanted to go.

We did our very best to carry on with “business as usual”. There were numerous intimations that we had waded into deep waters and had finally found a True Guru, and this was deeply thrilling to all of us. Yet, when the fires of purification began to scorch, part of me still wished that Andrew would be more like a kindly vipassana or Zen teacher, a kind of democratic “kalyana mitra” guiding us gently along the gradual path to Enlightenment. I was secretly personally attracted to the “saint” model of a Guru who would love and affirm my beloved “self”. In Tibetan Buddhism, full awakening is characterized as the full union of Love and Truth. I was all for the “Love” part, but please spare me the “Truth”! The ongoing revelation of my own lack of authenticity and addiction to a false persona was very hard to stomach. It was a soul-level shock to discover that my beloved Guru was more like Mt. Vesuvius, continuously erupting with astonishing and unpredictable and ever-creative force, which often scared the living daylights out of me. And who, worst of all, didn’t even appear to really give a damn about my precious “self”! This was a dreadful affront. Life with a real Guru is nothing if not an ongoing assault on everything you’ve held dear about your beloved self-image that you’ve been honing and refining for ever so long. Even if you know in your guts that this “death” of the false self is necessary for something new to be born, the process is unbearable beyond description. The humiliation and the constant “burning” we all experienced were something that you can’t even really convey to those who have not lived through it.

HMMM, THIS AIN’T NO TEA PARTY!

It has taken me a long time to let in or even begin to grasp the enormity of Andrew Cohen’s vision. He saw early on that humanity was in deep trouble—“homo sapiens” in its present form was way too limited and primitive to deal with the increasingly complex problems facing us as planetary citizens. Andrew could see as well that the emergence of a new kind of human was critical for the survival of the race and the planet—and that this radical change needed to occur quickly, as the message from all sides is that time is quickly running out.

Andrew  Cohen’s entire being was/is nothing less than an ongoing expression of this urgency. There was no time for the “many lifetimes” approach of traditional teachings. His detractors, of course, find his methods too extreme and intense. But Andrew, as we all knew, is deeply surrendered to the Force of Evolution itself—and this force is really only about the destruction of all obsolete and dysfunctional structures, so that a new kind of human can emerge from the rubble. This can not happen with a teacher who wears kid gloves and invites his students to tea parties. Although we were happy to speak about the dharma in intellectual terms (which many of us were pretty good at), none of us had any idea that Everything needed to change for us to be transformed from deeply self-centered men and women who viewed everything and everyone as separate from ourselves—to a new kind of human who KNOWS with every fiber of their being that who they are is nothing less than the Intelligence of the Universe, and that they are fully responsible in and as themselves for the process of evolution.

This is an unimaginably enormous leap, and one that is unlikely to occur in a gentler kind of “spiritual university”. From very early on, Andrew had a vision of something which had to manifest. His vision of the emergence of a Collective Being which includes Everything as Itself, and is thus fully responsible for Everything, was way beyond anything we could imagine or had even ever thought about. And attempting to manifest this vision of course required so much more than we ever thought we would have to give.

WHEN THE EVOLUTIONARY SEEDS BEGIN TO SPROUT

Conventionally-minded friends are horrified by what we experienced, and I rarely even talk about my years with Andrew Cohen. For those who don’t have even an inkling of Andrew’s vision, the whole thing sounds “abusive” and dreadful. “What kind of crazy person would ever get involved with such madness?” When I left the community and moved to Montana in 2003, for many months I felt like I’d been drawn and quartered and boiled in oil, at the very least. I managed to function and participate actively in life, but my initial experience was of being almost catatonic at a soul level. It was as if the whole playing field had been laid waste. I was waiting to find out what I really knew or had to give, if anything. I had no idea who I was, and was curious to see who I might be apart from Andrew and the community I had immersed myself in for twelve years. What did I really know from my own experience? What was I supposed to be doing here on earth? Did I even care about evolution? I didn’t speak to anyone for at least a year about what we’d all lived through. Even then, one can never get close to the whole story except with those who’ve shared it with you, as it is supremely daunting to even try to convey the hugeness of the context we all shared with someone who wasn’t there. Frankly, I wavered and teetered all over the place in my attempts to make sense of this tsunami I’d voluntarily inserted myself into. Brief periods of clarity would open up, only to be followed by falling again into confusion.

But during these six years after I left for a new and unknown life, I continued to find to my surprise that some unknown seeds had been planted in me during my time with Andrew Cohen. When I left, Andrew had told me that “The seeds of the Teaching are in you”. Frankly, I felt that I had been a “failure”, as I’d come to a place where I felt so deeply stuck in my recalcitrant self-centeredness that it seemed I could not continue. But as I continued to relax into allowing the unleashed and untrammeled force of whatever I had encountered to invade my being, I began to experience something new. I realized that by dint of just hanging out and hanging in as closely as I could during my years as Andrew’s student that, despite my intense inner struggle, my own view and understanding was continuing to open up and reveal new vistas.

THE HIGHER VIEW CANNOT BE HELD BY THE MIND

To find and express the deepest truth of these cataclysmic and earth-shaking years during which I lived closely with Andrew Cohen in his community requires a rare level of honesty at a soul level—a deep willingness to keep digging and sorting and looking, as well as a continual attempt to remember and re-align myself with that precious, subtle, and delicate discovery of a magnificent and cosmic perspective which our meeting with Andrew catalyzed us all into. This, I can see, is the ongoing challenge for all of us, and it is not at all easy. We have all had many powerful experiences of higher “states”, but to do the intense and deeply challenging work to convert these “states” into grounded “stages” of human development is a very big deal indeed.

To get anywhere close to what was actually going on during our time with Andrew also requires a massive degree of humility and willingness to “not know”—to live in the constant knowledge that the mind, which is fundamentally mechanical and limited, can only deal with and process perhaps five percent of the total story. To begin to understand this is HUGE. One of its major roles as a consummate “knower” is to take the available “data” and synthesize it into something from which one can then take a summary position, wrap it all up neatly, and pop it into a box as “already known and processed”. And this is what I see occurring in many of Andrew’s students who left early on—and even in a few who stayed longer, who are still speaking from the stance of the Wounded Ego. There is a grand tension one must be willing to reside in when faced with the mind’s zeal to “wrap things up”, and this tension is often supremely uncomfortable. And when one who has been initiated into a higher view then falls once again into a lower perspective and attempts to make sense of an experience from the lesser view, predictably there results a huge mess and enormous confusion. And this is what we who have lived through this time together are still continuing to experience and wrestle with each other about in various blogs and books, as we attempt to make sense of our life-altering experience. And so, for the last few years, separative and warring “factions” have continued to arise among ex-students who have shared a great deal at a soul level, and who are in fact more connected than they even know.

So we are talking about the radical act of suspending the mind, that thing which KNOWS absolutely everything, and taking that leap of faith to a higher view. This is an enormous challenge for those who have lost touch with this view or who are in denial of it. But nonetheless it is always available. Because as has been witnessed ad nauseum for all of us, the scenario of that limited but exalted knowing mind attempting to categorize and make sense of our soul-rocking time with Andrew, when we have temporarily lost touch with a higher and even “cosmic” perspective, results in all hell breaking loose. It seems like “hell hath no fury like a student who feels they have been scorned”, or maybe more accurately, an ego which doesn’t get validated. The “maligned ego” just keeps cranking out separative and nasty accusations time and time again, with its relentless devotion to a self-centered perspective. That ol’ dead horse just keeps getting whipped and beaten. It’s so easy to lose touch with the fact that that “thing” which is so busy making war with Andrew, their old friends, and even their own experience, is, in fact, the very thing which needs to be released for a higher view to reveal itself. And that this kind of release requires letting go of EVERYTHING—not only one’s cherished and beloved “self”, but even Andrew, his Teachings, and in fact all we’ve ever tried to cling on to as a safe refuge.

THE ENORMITY OF ANDREW COHEN’S VISION

My own struggle, which was definitely not special to me, was of attempting to do hand-to-hand combat with seemingly lifetimes of a deeply self-centered perspective. I came to AndrewCohen, like most of us, from a fundamentally personal view of Enlightenment. I wanted to be free of the suffering concomitant with the human condition for myself. Truthfully I didn’t give a damn about anyone else, although I tried to pretend that I did. As an “older student”, Andrew continuously pushed me to take responsibility for the whole situation. I fairly consistently dug in my heels and fought him and everyone. Andrew’s vision was so far beyond anything I’d ever thought about that I sometimes felt that he had suddenly began teaching a kind of “dharma” that I didn’t understand and hadn’t signed up for. It all seemed way too demanding and intrusive into my “personal life”. “Where was the LOVE (for my own ego!)? It is no joke to contemplate the enormity of this transition from a self-centered person to someone who not only cares deeply about everyone else but is willing to participate fully at all times with the human condition and the whole situation AS ONESELF. This is the work that Andrew engaged us all in. And as we discovered, these deep, dark, and sticky old structures die hard—they do not gracefully roll over and die. We are talkin’ huge, crusty, and highly resistant structures!

Early on in my spiritual pursuits, I came across a quote by Trungpa Rinpoche—something about how “it’s better to not even begin the spiritual journey unless you intend to finish it”. When I think about this, I realize how naïve and arrogant I was to think that I was “one of the chosen ones” who would march continuously forth, maybe even leading the charge! The fact is that the “fallout” and “blowback” of even sticking one’s toe into this particular vortex is huge. It’s like some kind of enormous and deeply impersonal cyclotron with the molecules getting splattered all over the place. It’s indeed no small wonder that so many of us continue still to carry on about our time with Andrew in various blogs and individual emails, nursing our “wounds” and trying to make some sense of whatever that “tsunami” was that we wandered into.

WHEN THE INTELLIGENCE OF THE UNIVERSE CALLS YOU

So to speak in practical and here-and-now terms, I have to say, that not only was my highest potential revealed during my life-changing meeting with Andrew, but also my own egoic limitations—my laziness, delight in resting in the easy way, refusal to be simple, vulnerable, straight, and honest with virtually anyone, as well as my fundamental commitment to Number 1, The Great Moi! Those “other people” outside of my immediate sphere were their own problem! And for both of these grand revelations, the only true response has to be Gratitude.

I guess I’ve been the most surprised to continue to discover that despite myself and the density of my own egoic resistance, somehow “I” have changed in unimaginable ways. Much despite myself, this formerly sluggish and selfish person has exploded with some unknown energy which I’d never expected or imagined. My friends sometimes comment on how they can’t even believe what a “hard worker” I am, or even how intense what they describe as my “relentless enthusiasm” is, as well as how much I care (!) And they are talking about that lazy person who was always about doing the bare minimum, at best. Many of my friends even look to me as an example of an authentic, liberated, and independent woman—so clearly very much occurred (which I didn’t understand and resisted quite a lot at the time) during those years when Andrew forced us women to look starkly at all of the manipulative games we had played for so many centuries as a result of the conditioning we had inherited as females.

I can only say that all of this has only to do with those seeds which were planted in me when I met Andrew—despite the fact that I had no idea what the hell was going on at the time! That evolutionary fervor which I used to marvel at in Andrew has now infected my own life. The ongoing revelation of the truly Sacred which comes from giving oneself utterly and with no reservations to LIFE itself at all times, no matter what, has mysteriously taken me in its sway. This is not the old Roberta Anderson—in fact she bears only a dim resemblance to that “terminally self-centered person” who showed up at “satsang” in 1989. And for this, the only true and right response is GRATITUDE! Those memories of what seemed like relentless, endless, and ongoing butt-kicking and “humiliation” even tend to fade, as I continue to do whatever I can to stretch and open to the “cosmic” view. For all of this, I bow down. Not only to Andrew, but to that mysterious and grand Force that he is in fact himself deeply surrendered to.

Something that continues to surprise me is that my own view continues to open, despite myself, from the personal to the impersonal to the cosmic. I have had numerous spontaneous and unexpected experiences of “collective intelligence” around the globe which have blown my mind. I am beginning to understand Andrew’s interest in the emergence of “inter-subjective structures”. There is so much that I didn’t understand and/or resisted vehemently during my time with Andrew that I am now directly experiencing. I continue to discover that, despite myself, my view seems to be morphing into including more and more of the Grand Story.

So because of all of this, the fairly constant undercurrents of whining, wanting “revenge”, “compensation”, feeling deeply “abused” and “victimized”, insisting on “apologies”, or whatever—frankly just shrivel up and fall apart when they continue to show up again and again in our shared universe. “How I suffered with that sadistic monster!” etc. Give me a break! Grow up! Get a grip! Look up! Way, way, up! I am blessed, you are blessed—supremely, though it may take a while for the whole Enormous Story to be revealed. You had the guts to find this Guru and to give whatever you had to this profound evolutionary transformation. Thank yourselves and your own excellent karma and stop whining! Why not start manifesting everything that you have received? It’s time, (and overtime), for something beautiful, astonishingly new, and refreshingly amazing to start showing up. As yourself! Let’s hear it for “homo luminous”, my friends. No matter what we think, this is where we are going and must go.

I realize that I left the community around 2001 when finally, the deep structural changes in everyone who’d managed to hang on longer began to occur, as well as in the community as a whole. And I recognize that many of the “ardent detractors” left way before this time and never even experienced anything about the beginning of the “fruition” of Andrew’s vision. As I’ve said, I am one who has wavered, actually quite a lot, in attempting to maintain this “higher view”. This is of course easier for my friends who were blessed to witness and live through this initial species transformation which is making this entire radically intense ordeal really worth everything. But despite my own wavering, the higher force of Love and Truth continues to cycle about and captivate me. Despite all those forces which only want to bitch, criticize, complain, and express in spades how much they’ve been “victimized”, I keep finding that the Good Stuff keeps popping in and out and up—stuff like Gratitude and Appreciation for a Higher Way and this truly mysterious and incredible transformation that is clearly taking over so many of us old friends. I fully realize my own propensity for being some kind of wild and radical idealist. But the rock-bottom truth is that ALL Of US, no matter what our current “deeply-entrenched position” is, have had a profound soul-level initiation into the Non-Dual. And despite this contrary thought, that analysis, that resentment, this firm “position” etc., we have all been deeply infected with the Virus of Oneness. And Singularity is where we are all headed. I look forward to meeting many of you there. As one of my teachers, Adi Da Samraj, was fond of saying, “Let the Wild Rumpus Begin!”

Roberta  Anderson can be contacted at roberta@guru-talk.com