By Willa Geertsema

I have never before had the desire to write about my long connection to Andrew Cohen and usually keep it to myself. This is not because there is anything secret about it – in fact it is a part of me, and those who know me well know how much it is integral to my being. But usually I see no reason to express my views to others unless they want to know. However, given the amount of recent negative press I feel compelled to speak out.

People sometimes pull me to a corner and ask me about the particulars of certain allegations made by former students about Andrew Cohen, asking was it true? Did I experience any of this? My answer is that the question is irrelevant, because the issues are entirely taken out of context.

The stories of wrongdoing, brainwashing and a litany of other things are simultaneously ridiculous and a blight. They are ridiculous because they defy any logic, a blight because they cloud a truth that shines through only to those who are ready to see it. And every human being on earth deserves to have access to that truth. Not everyone will see it, but none of us ever has the right to obscure to others the light of day – whether or not we choose to abide in the dark.

These negative writings come from a place that is deeply flawed in every dimension – logically, spiritually and humanly. They come from people who have been my close friends, and who like me have had the extraordinary privilege of encountering the full-blown forces of Spirit in its rawest manifestation. It is only with a true Master or Guru that one can fully take in these forces, and it is only the very committed who would ever choose to do so.

Many people who have been with Andrew Cohen did not venture there, because they didn’t have the inclination. But those of us who did did so because we deeply trusted, loved and yearned for radical liberation from the miserable existence of spiritual bondage. We did so because we had woken up, for whatever reason, to the glory of the spiritual life. The promise of a life given out of our hands to a higher purpose that we knew we couldn’t and would never be able to capture with our minds.

And that is the whole point. The only reason we got involved is that we knew we didn’t know – and we loved it. We knew that we were playing with fire. We knew that we were in for something that could never be understood or measured in mundane terms. You see, when committing to a Guru, a relationship begins that is beyond the boundaries of every-day reality. Not everyone took this step, many stayed rather more removed and fared a different course. But those of us who went into the deep did so out of our own love and desire, and no one forced us to do so.

There is also a more human dimension to this. We were brothers and sisters. Andrew Cohen was and/or is our Teacher. We were all beholden to each other in our endeavour. We lived, ate, shopped and worked together, had the flu and decorated our houses together. We looked after each others children and hung each others laundry. And most importantly we did our practice together, hundreds if not thousands of hours spent in silence as well as conversation, in the most intimate, boundary-less commitment anyone can ever engage in.

I’m not saying we knew where we were going, because the potential was unfolding itself as we grew, but we knew we had set off on an epic course. We entered states of consciousness and development that had never been consciously placed in a post-modern, Western context before. It was a huge experiment that had no precedent. We were not trying to re-create a prior religion or invoke an existing form of spirituality, we were literally forging a new, 21st Century manifestation of Spirit in Matter. And we were excited to be the explorers on this mission.

So it is no surprise that half the time we didn’t know what we were doing. Most of us had never been in positions of leadership, and I can say safely that all of us were post-modern narcissists, which is normal for our generation. I can confirm that some of the most vengeful articles have been written by those who gave a great deal and were true leaders. I was one myself, and we all blundered through it, because we were arrogant and inexperienced. Few had the humility to learn and find out how to deal with these uncharted levels of consciousness, and those who did can be seen shining now, travelling the world to speak publicly, writing a highly acclaimed magazine EnlightenNext (formerly What Is Enlightenment?) and being inspiring examples to other spiritual authorities.

Most of us did not have the courage and humility. We shone, and then stumbled, at times we did horrible things to each other, sometimes in a hapless effort to do the right thing, sometimes out of blind egotism, but the main thing is that we were too proud and immature to learn from it. I am fully complicit – many reading this article probably still feel the effects of my prideful wrongdoings which will be with me for life. And Andrew didn’t always know what the right thing was – he is a human being provoking the emergence of consciousness as he goes, ever trying to anticipate how we would respond, and staking his life on making this happen.

But why should anyone have known beforehand how to deal with an epic experiment in human evolutionary development? Why should our skills have been ready-made from the start? Who is to say that we precious beings were entitled to open Pandora’s Box and find a manual typed up in English? And should that have been the case, then why didn’t you or I lead the way to keep us all out of trouble?

Evolution is a messy business, and experiments with the force of God can create messy situations. But that doesn’t relieve me from the fact that as simply as I know that my mother loves me, I know that no one ever had evil motivations. Andrew always did the best he could, often saw far beyond what I could see, usually fought much harder for my freedom than I, in my arrogant pride, cared to do myself. And yes, that sometimes came with doses of tough love – as I said, he is a Master. His job was not to placate my ego, but to confront me with it. Yet fundamentally we were all there for a sacred purpose – Andrew as well as all of us arrogant, imperfect people who had come to him to learn.

So we can’t now turn around and blame each other for our weaknesses, much less blame our Guru for our own inadequacy.

To face the imperfections of what happened is one thing. Facing them straight-on comes with facing oneself with courage. But turning around and blaming your Guru is of a different order. Writing distorted accusations is unacceptable. One may think it’s not that bad, actually quite justified really, given how much we gave, it all seems quite reasonable… But this is where I beg to draw a line. It was me who decided to get involved with a Guru and confront the forces of the Universe, not anyone else. And a Student-Guru relationship is not reasonable – which is the very reason we got ourselves involved!

I know what the struggle is like. I came to that point where I found myself faced with the Devil in a dark ally, all alone with no one else around. I was tempted, weak and humiliated. So what was I to do? There were only two options: blame the very person, who has shown me the glory of Life, or swallow my pride, bend my knee to God and say a 4-letter word to the Devil.

There was no doubt in my mind that I was to do the second, and in spite of my humiliation over finding out that I wasn’t the spiritual heroine I thought I was, I found myself blessed with the fruits of all those years of spiritual, psychological, mental, physical and intellectual training. Not to mention the love expressed by my Guru who always tried everything he could to get me to develop and overcome my barriers. He wished me well and gave me his full support when I said I wanted to find my own steps forward. And knowing how much he wanted me to succeed, how could I ever get anywhere near the temptations of resentment?

The part I understand the least regarding those who chose otherwise is how much they are in denial of their own strength. The whimpers and the vitriol of complaint are the denial of those years of spiritual training, which are there in all of us. They have given each one of us the capacity to see clearly, put heart and mind in their right relationship, pierce through the ego, and seek the silent presence of a higher purpose. I know for myself that if I could do this, and if I still sometimes dream of you all as if no years went by, then there couldn’t possibly be a reason why anyone else could not.

My message is: Wake up, get over it, take a hard look at yourself. What kind of a life do you live if you deny the most luckiest thing that ever happened to you? Why justify that however much we gave, we didn’t give what was needed? How much arrogance do you want to tolerate in yourself? And what could you possibly stand to lose?

For me, there was the morning that I woke up knowing that I had half a life in front of me, years of deep experience behind me, the guidance of a sage, the love of a group of lifelong friends, a good dose of stubborn resilience and independence, a disposition for making radical choices, and a heart that is capable of catching fire and falling apart.

I knew there was nothing to wait for and there never will be – each one of us is blessed.

Willa Geertsema can be contacted at willa.geertsema@gmail.com